As with all Internet phenomena there’s a niche community of aficionados who create their own fan art and the Purple Aki franchise is no exception. A great place to start is website I’m Purple Aki, but it has all the fresh content of a baby P’s nappy. So I decided to make my own fan art as a homage to our favourite sex pest, not only to solidify his squelchy place in urban legend but also as a celebration for having never been used as a meat collar in one of his inverted squats.

Let’s have a run down of what’s in the fan art gallery:

  1. Purps joins accessible up-tempo indie band ‘Bloc Party’. Some say he had creative control over the band’s 2nd album ‘A Weekend In The Shitty’, penning tracks ‘I Don’t Normally Go For Geeks’ and ‘I Want To Be Your Shorts’.
  2. Uncle Purps is Australian maverick and Jew-hater Mel Gibson’s sidekick in Lethal Weapon. Every young boy with sporting promise in the St Helens area knew that Purps was indeed ‘armed and dangerous’, especially when forced to use their genitals as his bow tie.
  3. Aki takes a lead role as Andy’s prison buddy “Purple” in ‘The Shawshank Redemption’, being integral to the ‘shower scene’ where he dispenses his unique rough justice in the form of a two hour muscle-touch beasting.
  4. Purple Aki is renowned love rat and nasty-faced partner of stupid geordie popster Cheryl Cole. Rumour has it the marriage broke down due to Purps’ over-enthusiastic support of grass-roots youth football.
  5. ‘Purp Friction’ was the original working title of Tarantino’s iconic masterpiece, until the censors got hold of it. He personally directed and ‘stunt cocked’ the notorious gimp scene, using his experience as an amateur physiotherapist at a local boys school as his muse.
  6. Uncle Purps injects some life (literally) into fresh-faced young boy-band ‘Blue’. Purps maintains that his relentless one-on-one physical training turned recently outed ex-Blue star ‘Duncan’ into a full blown gay. He certainly had a ‘huge part’ to play in the group’s legacy: inadvertently manipulating band member Lee Ryan’s face after a post-show rub-down, such that his eyes moved too close together. He also wrote hit single ‘All Rise’ as testament to his prowess as amateur conductor of the band’s 4-piece pork orchestra.

That’s all for now fellow Purps fans, if you have any suggestions for Aki fan art I’d love to hear them and who knows, if they pass muster, you could see them feature on a bizarre and unheard-of web log.

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